Trevor Noah said the excision of family leave meant that “America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Built to Scale
Late-night hosts covered the latest in President Biden’s “Build Back Better” plan on Thursday, or what is left of it.
“A lot of what was originally there is now gone,” Trevor Noah said. “Like free community college is out, and so is paid family and medical leave, which means America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”
“Oh, and Medicare won’t cover the cost of dental or vision care for seniors but it will cover hearing. Which makes sense. You know Biden made sure that that stayed in. When you got a president that whispers as much as he does, you’ve got to make sure people can at least hear him.” — TREVOR NOAH
“But don’t worry, moms, you don’t have to go into work while you’re in labor — just Zoom in from the birthing room.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“President Biden met today with House Democrats to discuss his health care spending proposal in the infrastructure bill, which is now down to a 30-day trial for WebMD plus, and they’re going to paint some tunnels on a rock, like Wile E. Coyote.” — SETH MEYERS
“The plan features subsidies for child care and universal preschool for more than six million 3- and 4-year-olds, to which parents everywhere replied, ‘But what about 2-year-olds who could pass for 3? Please — I can’t watch any more ‘Peppa Pig.’ My toddler has adopted an English accent, and won’t let me eat bacon.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“It’s insane. Everyone deserves the right to be at home with their families and children. And besides, in my experience, the more time you spend with your kids, the more desperate you are to go back to work.” — SETH MEYERS
“Free vision care for anyone with perfect 20/20 eyesight. A 1 percent tax hike on billionaires for each trip to outer space. Guaranteed child care for children ages 3 to 4, provided by children ages 5 to 6. For anyone who wants to attend community college, a free copy of ‘Community’ Season 1 on DVD. If anything falls off of a crumbling bridge or overpass and hits you, you get to keep it. For women who have just given birth, a big scoop of Turkey Hill’s Rocky Road ice cream. In lieu of paid leave, they added two more take-your-child-to-work days. Any 12 albums for just one penny. Student-loan forgiveness: You still have to pay it back, but we’ll forgive you for making the mistake of taking one out. Universal wealth care: one extra digit in each American’s Social Security number. Guaranteed pre-K for wacky adult children whose hotel-magnate fathers paid their way through elementary and high school but now would like to prove themselves as competent, functioning adults in order to take over the family business. You can use the bathroom if you asked nicely. Everyone is eligible to receive $1 million from a billionaire, in exchange for just one night with your wife. One free month of Tubi. They’ll throw a traffic cone next to the pothole on your street if you quit whining about it. And finally, a new houseboat for Joe Manchin.” — SETH MEYERS
The Punchiest Punchlines (Meta Edition)
“Yeah, Facebook changed their name. In response, Spectrum was like, ‘We used to be Time Warner; people still hate us.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Yeah, ‘Meta,’ as in when I joined Facebook, I ‘Meta’ lot of crazy people.” — JIMMY FALLON
“That’s right, ‘Meta,’ as in your Aunt Gloria saying, ‘I Meta guy on Facebook who says the vaccine made his balls magnetic.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“This feels like when there’s an E. coli outbreak at a pizza place and they just change the name from Sal and Tony’s to Tony and Sal’s. Same gross owners.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Companies often change their name to help their image and since it’s up for grabs, Johnson & Johnson is now Facebook & Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLON
“The company says, ‘The name Facebook is not going away, but from now on, we are going to be Metaverse first, not Facebook first.’ But don’t worry — the self esteem of teenage girls will always be last.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Desus and Mero get to the bottom of why Black people love Dave Grohl, with guest Dave Grohl.
Also, Check This Out
Two young women from different eras form a psychic bond in Edgar Wright’s thriller “Last Night in Soho.”
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Late Night Savors What’s Left of Biden’s ‘Build Back Better’ Plan - The New York Times
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